i love this journal, and i'm going to keep it, but lately i've been writing more and more in my livejournal. it just provides a better atmosphere for my writing. i may occasionally write in here when i have something particularly profound (in my opinion) to say, though.
best line: MEG: Wow, you were great! Who’s your voice teacher?
CHRISTINE: Well, you know, my dead father said he would send me an angel, so I’ve been praying, and you know what? He did! The angel hides in my closet and sings to me!
|
my life is a wreck right now. i don't want to talk about it, but i'm extremely depressed and extremely lonely. i've come to the realization that i have never once been happy in my entire miserable life and that i never will be. the one thing i want doesn't belong to me and never ever will.
|
a sign that you're playing placebo too loud on the family stereo: other stuff that's on the same shelves as the speakers vibrates right off and onto the floor. i can't help myself. i just love brian molko too much. i cooked a giant pot of spaghetti sauce and meatballs today. cooking is therapeutic. but if i did that every time i got upset, there'd be so much food in the hosue we wouldn't know what to do with it. i've had some coke and i've eaten a little bit and generally calmed down a bit.
suite: judy blue eyes crosby stills and nash
it's getting to the point where i'm no fun anymore i am sorry sometimes it hurts so badly i must cry out loud i am lonely i am yours, you are mine you are what you are and you make it hard -
remember what we've said and done and felt about each other oh babe, have mercy don't let the past remind us of what we are not now i am not dreaming. i am yours, you are mine you are what you are and you make it hard-
tearing yourself away from me now you are free and i am crying this does not mean i don't love you i do, that's forever, yes and for always i am yours, you are mine you are what you are and you make it hard-
something inside is telling me that i've got your secret. are you still listening? fear is the lock, and laughter the key to your heart and i love you.
i am yours, you are mine, you are what you are and you make it hard- and you make it hard-
friday evening, sunday in the afternoon what have you got to lose? tuesday mornin', please be gone i'm tired of you. what have you got to lose? can i tell it like it is? help me i'm sufferin' listen to me baby-help me i'm dyin' it's my heart that's a sufferin', it's a dyin' that's what i have to lose i've got an answer i'm going to fly away what have i got to lose? will you come see me thursdays and saturdays? what have you got to lose?
chestnut brown canary ruby throated sparrow sing a song don't be long thrill me to the marrow voices of the angels ring around the moonlight asking me, said she so free how can you catch the sparrow? lacy, lilting, lady, losing love, lamenting change my life, make it right be my lady.
que linda me la traiga cuba, la reina de la mar caribe. cielo sol no tiene sangreahi, y que triste que no puedo vaya, oh va, oh va, va.
(Anji / 12/21/2004 03:11:15 PM)
Monday, December 20, 2004
|
did you ever want someone so badly that it actually, physically hurt? that's how i feel right now. and i've managed to fuck things up for myself so badly. all i can do is sit here and shake and cry because of my colossal stupidity.
sometimes i think i'd be better off living under a rock.
(Anji / 12/20/2004 10:20:09 PM)
Saturday, December 18, 2004
|
okay, so i don't get to go home until monday. father whalen had to cancel the final today, too many time conflicts or something. oh well. anna and i will be having a sort of "movie weekend," wherein we will probably exhaust our catalogues out of sheer boredom. i am not looking forward to having to do laundry and packing. the thought of having to lug all my crap to penn station in the snow and extreme bitter cold predicted for monday is already irritating me. but it'll be worth it to come home and have real food that won't go through me in two hours (unlike monty-gross dining hall food).
i have an internship with my father's friend mr. a. he's offered to let me intern with him and his partner at his graphic design business, to help me get a portfolio together, and to "teach me everything he knows." i'm excited. it'll get me out of the house and keep me busy along with the paper i'll be writing for dr. kitts, so hopefully my father and i can keep from killing one another over the winter break.
things are definitely looking up, especially because i got an a- in ethics, an a in american lit, and an a in american pop music.
(Anji / 12/18/2004 02:25:49 AM)
laughed so hard i went into spasms of coughing and mucus and oh my god i must have the tuberculosis! now i must look all pretty and ethereal and sing songs about flying away before i die prettily on the stage.
anyway.
i love father whalen. my theology final was to be next monday, but he's also having it on friday morning at 8:00 a.m., which means that i get to go home three days sooner. SO glad i didn't buy my train ticket yet, otherwise i'd be fucked. anna and i are going to the bank and probably barnes and noble, and of course to buy more cigarettes.
my black heart is filled with joy at the prospect of going home early, because going home early = more time with the boy. my brother's really turned out to be a good guy. he'll be seventeen in a week and a half. i'm just now getting to know him. he makes me laugh, and he can drive me places, and he joins in on rude, snarky jokes at the movies. i really like being around my brother.
also, more time at home means more time spent with monica. she's been my savior these past five years. i really don't know what i'd do without her. i remember our daily fights in high school, and the stupid petty crap that we allowed to bug us. but i also remember going camping with her freshman and sophomore years, roasting hot dogs over a struggling fire, amidst the yellow and red leaves, and being in the car with the warm autumn sun making me drowsy, and we listened to garbage the whole way home. i remember rolling a fake joint out of kleenex and taping it to the mouth of a statue of the virgin mary, and making an even smaller joint to tape to the baby jesus' mouth, and taking pictures of it, laughing hysterically the whole time. i remember our "janis and grace" photos, where we looked less like janis joplin and grace slick than a pair of serial killers. i remember burping contests at lunch and putting on makeup while the choir bus rolled along baltimore streets.
i never thought i'd feel reminiscent towards my high school years, since they so royally sucked. i guess i don't miss being in high school so much as i miss being in close proximity to monica. you don't know what you have until it's far away from you.
(Anji / 12/13/2004 11:30:53 AM)
Tuesday, December 07, 2004
|
last night was fun (i went over anna's to celebrate her birthday), except for vomiting up the six shots of vodka i drank. there's nothing like throwing up with such force that it actually aspirates up your nose and you spend fifteen minutes afterwards blowing your nose and having it come out green and chunky. yeah, i know you guys really needed to know that. but it's just a word of caution. i should stick to rum. it doesn't taste bad, and it doesn't have icky side effects.
however, being so high i could practically see colors and hear singing in the rain was pretty damned fun.
i, however, have a hideous cold from having gotten my feet so wet in the rain yesterday. note to self: converse all-stars are terrible in any sort of bad weather. buy galoshes.
i got my american lit paper on jim morrison back. i got an a, which surprised me because i thought it was shit.bBut the comment on the bottom made me smile:
"a very good paper. i enjoyed reading it. you write well and made interesting connections: morrison and literature, morrison and film, morrison and native american culture.
because i think you are very intelligent and talented, i want to offer you a professional editor's critique. I have edited an essay collection on a rock group (the kinks) and if Ii were editing a collection of the doors, here's what my response would be: 'develop one of the three themes into a detailed treatment. i think if you do that you will have something unique to say about morrison and something that would add to his legacy. please try this.' see me so i can explain further."
it turns out that he wants two other girls in the class and me to spend next semester writing critiques of selected short stories, for an anthology. two essays will go in the anthology, and the other in an instructional manual. dr. kitts will act as our editor, meaning he'll have us write and rewrite until the essays are perfect. i'm fucking excited at the prospect of being published.
however, my poems won't be published in the sju literary magazine, because bridgid checked through all the submission e-mails and mine wasn't there. because i sent it in so early, it must have been accidentally deleted. oh well, there's always next year. she says they're having an issue with the word "fuck", as it's in almost every submission. even though it's not a gratuitous use of the word, and being as we ARE a university, and are presumably all adults here, they're trying to get away with just an "F---" instead of taking it out completely. heh. so much for freedom of speech.
(Anji / 12/7/2004 02:05:50 PM)
Monday, December 06, 2004
|
random shit i've seen on campus:
last friday as i walked to ethics class, i heard a car horn playing "dixie". i thought that shit only existed in the dukes of hazzard. it made me laugh, then wonder if that person was getting his confederate-lovin' ass kicked.
today walking back from theology, i saw a horse and buggy just merrily making its way around the great lawn. my reaction was, "what the hell?" i felt sort of bad for the horse, because it's seriously freezing out there and due to snow, but then again, i don't really like horses. they're just big smelly scary things to me. with lots of teeth. it was easily one of the weirdest things i've ever seen.
went out to the hole on friday night, and met jd from le tigre. he was really nice. i told him how great le tigre was on thursday, when we went to see them at nyu.
not much going on. finals are coming up, so don't expect frequent updates other than the obligatory "shit i have papers due!" posts.
(Anji / 12/6/2004 11:20:59 AM)
